Friday, August 24, 2012

My Big Pharmaceutical Corporation Psych Med Odyssey

The Daily Struggle - mood disorders

If you are like me, and for your sake, I hope that you are not; then you spend most all day every day fighting with or working with some sort of chemical addiction in order to feel good. When I say feel "good," I do NOT mean bouncing off the walls high, or stoned into the ground low, which also, ironically, means "high." What I do mean is that feeling "good" is merely feeling okay, or feeling productive, useful, sociable, or just human, or even "normal."
When I wake up in the morning I encounter what is usually the worst feeling of the entire day. I'd rather some stranger on the street just walk up and slap me in the face - that wouldn't make me feel nearly so bad, the random slap across the face, as I feel each and every morning when I wake up. I do NOT know why I feel so badly in the mornings, but I do, and that is all that there is to it. First of all, my mouth feels awful, and I have a strong craving for some sort of tobacco. First, I have to get up, and go brush my teeth, and then I can smoke, and start dirtying up my mouth again. . .and the very fact that I know what is going on with that makes me feel bad all over again. The next thing then, is that though I am awake, I have no sort of cognition or brain function going on at the proper level, and so I simply must drink some coffee, or otherwise ingest caffeine so as to get my thoughts moving. I have no hunger when I first wake up, so my stomach is empty, and soon, after a few coups of coffee I start getting the jitters from too much caffeine. So now I've then got to overcome this brand new bad feeling by eating something that I'm not yet hungry for.
When finally I'm done waking up, feeling awful, overcoming that by brushing my teeth, smoking, drinking coffee, and eating something despite not being hungry; my next problem is that I need to bathe; finally, after bathing, I now can start to feel something close to normal. Sometimes this takes an hour or two. . .just for me to feel like a human being.
Am I complaining here? No, absolutely not, I'm merely trying to describe my daily ritual for feeling like a decent social human being; but I'm nowhere near done. As the day moves on, if I'm not doing some odd job, or air conditioning repair, then you can bet your bottom dollar that I'm right here on hubpages, Facebook, or my yahoo e mail account, and that I'm also devising how I can create another article here at Hubpages, or Info Barrel. If I've got some odd, strange, or terrible thing on my mind, then I'm not being productive at all; and that really eats at me. Sometimes I too have some weird sort of writer's block, and just can't spit anything out. What to do then? Well, if I'm having writers block or not, as the day progresses I always get really restless, and irritable. I find that light beer not only looses up my thoughts to a position to where I can better express them in articles or in e mails to friends; it also helps me to settle down. If I'm out of alcohol. . . .I'm pacing the floor somewhere, back and forth, and back and forth again, and I'm generally ranting and raving to someone who doesn't want to hear it. I'm damn sure not online talking to YOU, or writing THIS unless I'm either drinking coffee,green tea and smoking, or unless I'm drinking some light beer, smoking, and listening to music.
I'm just that lethargic in the mornings, and then in the evenings - I bounce off the walls. I have to have something in the morning to help me reach a place to where I can think, and then in the evenings I have to have something that can help me settle down enough so that I can think. I realize that other people have other types of crosses to bare, but this is mine.

Walk A Mile In My Shoes.

You can never understand an addict until you've walked a mile in their shoes; and some people are just not addicts, they don't have the types of problems that I have. My father is one of those people, my father bounces out of bed each and every morning singing, and dancing, and he just can not wait to get busy, and see what he can get accomplished that day. I could not possibly be any more different from him in that way. Oh, I sound like him when I talk, I look similar to him in some ways, and of course, I've shared a lot of life experience with him, he's my dad, for God's sake, and he's always been there, except for the times that he's got so pissed off at me, thinking that I'm just a fucking loser that he's sent me off somewhere broken and broke, to suffer and try to regroup; but despite being removed from whatever situation I was in, I still carry me with me everywhere that I go. I still wake up in the morning feeling like absolute shit, and I still have to fight all day long every day to feel "normal," or "good," or "productive," etc.
It is a monumental piece of shame, sin, and judgement for someone who is not a chemical user, or does not have any sort of mood problems to say,
Todd? He's just a weak willed, lazy, miscreant, paranoid, dope head drunk!
Anyone is welcome to call me anything that they want, fuck it, if you'll be my bodyguard, I can be your long lost pal, I might just call you Betty, and Betty, you can call me Al. I don't care, but if you call me lazy, or weak willed, you might get assaulted, and I'm only being honest here; I do blow up every once in a great while. But when things are going well, and I've got caffeine, tea, smokes, and beer; I'm talented like Paul Simon, and funny like Chevy Chase used to be; and I can outwork most men in the United States of America. I only have a little bit different wiring, or something.
I've had more psych med scripts than I can recall, there is a list at the bottom, but it is incomplete, and the names might not be spelled correctly. Get hooked on phonics, that is how much I care about them. Seroquel is the one medication that I wish that I had a script to now. I don't know really if I'd take it every day, but what I do know is that it was supremely useful to me when it came time to go to sleep. Like I've already stated, It takes me hours to reach the level of awareness and humanity that my biological father has all day every day, and first thing in the morning. It also takes me HOURS at a time of laying still in bed with my eyes closed to get anywhere close to sleep, and sometimes that is true even if I've taken benedryl and drank some beer.

Ladies and Gentlemen, BILL HICKS!

The Dope Show.

Cops and Drugs, Big Pharma and Herbs.

Now, you've all heard the following
I don't have problems with drugs, I have problems with cops!
The truth of the matter is that illegal drugs cause a huge amount of problems for huge amounts of people, and furthermore, drugs being illegal causes many more problems on top of those problems, and none of those problems are good for any society in which they exist, and furthermore, the tragedy is that all of the problems, and there are more than I could ever list, are all entirely preventable, but only exist due to a failed prohibition started by that Republican stalwart beacon of honesty, integrity, and wealth named Richard M. Nixon, and the completely socially cancerous and failed prohibition that his administration initiated.
One can never expect anything good for the populace of a nation to come from a right wing, or Republican party, all that history has shown, especially recent history, is that the G.O.P. wholly supports the wealthy in their attempts to create more wealth for themselves at the expense of the already downtrodden. There is no bigger mistake that one can make here in this country, or any other country than to think for one second that laws are created to protect you. There may be some laws that were created with that intent, but the end result is that business gets involved, and poor persons are penalized and driven further into the ground, as by and large, most laws are created everywhere in this, the most perfect of all possible worlds, to protect business interests.


Ecclesiastes 10:19  A feast is made for laughter, and wine maketh merry; but money answereth all things. ’
The Hebrew King Solomon, if he was, indeed, the author of the scripture directly above, did NOT mean that as "money is always the answer to my problems." No, not at all, what that scripture means is this: Follow the money, and you'll find the answer.
In America today, that scripture is so perfect and apt a descriptor of the situations that we see that it's absolutely epic in proportion to the regular nonsense that we see spewed by the zombies on television. When I did take psych meds, I lost my Seroquel prescription due to it being so expensive. What I know for certain is that marijuana would help me in the exact same way, but marijuana can be grown by anyone, and anywhere; and so, it is illegal. Why is it illegal? Again, the laws that make marijuana illegal have nothing to do with anyone's morality. I want to hear any moral arguments against smoking marijuana, that way, I can defeat you completely biased and shady lack of logic, or your faulty pseudo Christian moralizing straight away. It's very easy for me to do this, it's just hard for those in opposition to accept the fact that they are WRONG on every single possible level. It's sometimes hard for me to admit when I'm wrong too, so I sympathize with those of you who are wrong, or stupid; but I can not allow myself to NOT tell you that you are wrong, and tell you the many reasons why you are wrong. I do not have much tolerance for idiocy.
But our problems here in amoral America are not limited to marijuana in the subject of, or arena concerning medicinal herbs.  Not at all, you see, though marijuana is the headlining act on that stage, every single medicinal herb that could be used is frowned upon by big business, and is also at risk of being made illegal. Why is this? Because they grow out of the ground, obviously; and they do not employee law enforcement, the prison industrial complex, the insurance wealthcare industry, the healthcare professional industry, distributors like CVS or Walgreen's, and many other wheels of American business. This is greatly to your disadvantage, health wise, but as long as you remain plugged into corporate news, you'll never see the light of reason on any issue, on any topic.
Now, far be it from me to say that there are not people out there who constantly use marijuana in a habitual manner that is not relative to any sort of need. Here's the question then, what's wrong with that? If you've got an answer to that question, you must then justify the socially accepted consumption of alcohol, while all the while knowing that alcohol is addictive, and marijuana is NOT physically addictive, alcohol sometimes causes people to become violent in a number of ways, and marijuana is universally know to NOT ONLY NOT cause violence, but in fact, to diffuse it. Go ahead, the comments capsule is wide open, and I'm waiting for you there.
Someone once popularized the saying:
Now obviously, the above saying was meant for humour, but lets explore what that is really saying, shall we? Even my atheist friends who are stone cold sober as a perpetual manner of living would, and do agree that laws against substances were largely and successfully passed, aka, the failed "drug war," the failed prohibition, by the pseudo "Christian" right. The word "Christian" here is in parentheses because there is nothing in the Christian Bible that even hints that Christians should go and make laws that condemn the downtrodden due to use of substances. Morality was never preached as something by Jesus of Nazareth that the followers of him should go out and legislate. What we see with this is a condition of what is known as "sin" in the Bible, as only judgemental-ism and a sense of moral superiority by illiterate fake Christians could have created these conditions in which the wealthy elite prosper, and the police incarcerate poor persons for "crimes" that entail the use of substances.
Every single day I look at myself in the mirror, and I have to acknowledge that I am either a "sinner," or a very flawed example of humanity; and this is based upon the knowledge that I do things that I should have not done. If you are someone who calls himself, or herself a Christian, and you support legalizing morality,then perhaps, you would benefit from looking at yourself in the mirror and coming to the same sort of realization. You can NOT use my mirror, however, because I do not want you around me.

The following capsules were written long ago, and perhaps they'll be expanded.

Anti Marijuana Propaganda

The Drugs Like Me.


Allergic Reaction, an Apt, yet Imperfect analogy; but try to make a better one.

Chemical Dependency Is An Allergic Reaction.

Current mood:forgotten
The "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous plainly states that the alcoholic , in fact, has an "allergy" regarding alcohol. This theory translates exactly, and perfectly should you decide to replace the word "alcoholic" with someone addicted to any other chemical of addiction. Think this through before you make a judgement.

I will assume that each of you knows someone, or may yourself be allergic to something. My mother is allergic to shellfish. Should she consume shrimp, or lobster, for example, she will swell up and turn red, and experience extreme difficulty breathing.

The alcoholic, rather than experiencing symptoms such as these experiences an allergic reaction known as cravings. This craving will cause him or her at times to drink until they black out, go broke, or wind up in jail, etc. Once an alcoholic consumes alcohol these cravings render him or her no longer responsible for their consumption of alcohol, any more than my mother is responsible for her body's swelling and or redening once she has consumed(knowingly, or not!) some sort of shellfish.

At this point feel free to insert cocaine, methamphetamine, heroine, or whatever; where alcohol was used above. Defiance, willful rebellion, and demon possession are all "out" as ideas concerning persons with such problems. Please give this idea some thought. Next, I shall prove to you that a chemical addict actually makes his or her very worst decisions while stone cold sober.

Thank you, and have a great day.

Social Lobotomy

This Debate Is Over.

Current mood:bored
Dear World,

Welcome to a new era. The time when people could even argue that your loved one who has obvious imbanlances in his or her chemistry is "demon possessed," and needs a priest is over.
Welcome to the age of enlightenment.

If you think that your son or daughter who is either down in the dumps, or on top of the world; and just unable to maintain a balance is just weak willed-congratulations! You suck! You not only suck, you're stupid too.
Mental illness is an undisputed result of imbalances within the brain's chemistry. These imbalances are no different than a diabetic who uses insuline to balance the sugar levels in their blood. Sure, you can say that your "higher power" can do anything at all. I'll tell you that your "higher power" created doctors, allowed them to evolve, whatever. Those doctors are there for you to use.
This generation has the opportunity to find the drugs to balance it's heads and lives. Hopefully a community educated enough to accept it now exists, I believe that it does. No more exorcisms, etc. Give this part of humanism a chance.

There will be no more lobotomies, and lets let the priest get back to their normal work. The pharmaceautical giants are getting filthy rich. I don't care much, cause they have got the ways and means to insure that I can live a life without social stigma, and in the manner that I desire.



Teh Ode's to Teh Lady Sleep.

Ode to Miss Sarah Quill

The Following is a letter to the world, from a myspace user who'd had many readers wonder,
"WTF Happened To That ~WTS~ Guy?"
Hello everyone, I've been away-and I'm only "back" for a few more minutes till I've got to be off and listen to a bunch of adults "process" their feelings! Few of them care for this any more than I do, and I can tell you that I care for it not at all.
I think the sleep/mood stabilizing drugs that I've been given were used to lobotomize me during the night. . . . . . . .I shall return to the real world of the un dead around Christmas; I luv ya all, and shall most certainly return.
Thank you for your continued support and patience. . . . .

Big Pharma Psych Med Odyssey.

Have You Ever Lost Touch With Reality?

Current mood:chipper
I am going to use this blog as sort of a topic starter-something that will exist more in the comments(as several of my blogs have) section, than in the text.
Bellow is a list of psychotropic drugs that I've at one time or another either been prescribed, or was given in hospitals for my mental illness(bi-polar disorder II), or addiction.

1. Prozac: SSRI's give me freaky dreams. If you've read my nonsense, then you have, maybe, seen the term "flying giraffe" floating around; well, I had a dream that I was on a saddled and flying giraffe once, but that was a result of prozac. My flying giraffe dream was easily one of the most intense and seemingly real dreams that I've ever had; and it was fun too. The point is that prozac really but my mind into a high gear psychedelic mode; but only when I was sleeping, and so, I wanted to sleep all of the time.

2. Welbutrin - : people in jails are snorting the stuff now. Now, I can't tell you were I heard about people snorting Welbutrin, in fact, I might have made that up; but I can still assure you that you can get a bit of a buzz by snorting the stuff. . . .cause I saw someone do it one time, and he told me like this here:
"Yo, dude, I gotz teh Buzz."

3. Lexpro: newer, fancier named than what I take now, an SSRI. One night on Facebook I was talking to a woman on someone else's wall, and she'd told me that Lexpro saved her very life. I can't ever top that for an advertisement, and the woman was serious. I took Lexpro for a while in combination with Seroquel, and some other things; and I felt really good, but that good feeling might not of had anything to do with the pharmaceuticals, as I had some other very nice things going at that time.

4. Celexa: I guess it's working, I still get freaky dreams, nightly, and I've decided that that is just what happens to me when under the influence of selective serotonin re-uptake inhibiting molecules. Sorcery ain't what it used to be.

5. Remeron: catagorized in the "other" seciton for anti-depressants, it also will
help you sleep, and that's really the only positive effect, check that, that is the only thing it seems to do, help me sleep.

6. Trazedone: an anti-depressant that is really more of a sleep aid, my experience is that the stuff works like a champ when you first start taking it, but that my body got used to it very quickly; and it's effectiveness diminished greatly. Like all drugs, legal, or pharma, there is never any way to know how they will affect someone.

7. Risperdal: I thought it worked great at first. Risperdal is an an anti-psychotic, or mood
stabilizer that is widely used. I've heard other people say that it's made all the difference in the world for them, and when I first started taking it, I'd bounce out of bed after a good night's sleep, and be ready for the day. That is altogether opposite of how I usually am, typically, I wake up and curse the world for me not being asleep. It takes me a lot longer than most to really feel awake.

8. Seroquel- another mood stabilizer that is, in my opinion, a gold star sleep aid.

9. Moban: and anti-psychotic that I think made me more psychotic, clean, or "un clean."

10. Abilify- a mood stabilizer that I only took for one month's time.

11. Depakote- I didn't notice any changes in me.

12. Valporic Acid -I used to think that it was a generic for depakote, but it has a different chemical name.

13. Tegratol: my current mood stabilizer, it seems to work fine for me.

14. Atavan- I told the Doc who gave it to me that I would be awake for days-That didn't happen.

Okay, I'm sure that there are others that I haven't thought of yet. I should say that until December 08, I had not taken meds for about three years. Feel free do say or discuss anything you wish-hopefully concerning medications. I'll probably edit this later.

~Wesman Todd Shaw.~

Total Junkie Salute - With Vague And Obscure Junkie Slang.

This Hub was last updated on August 7, 2012

No comments:

Post a Comment