Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Suicide Tank

Suicide Tank

Current mood:amused

The date was September 28, 2008. . . . . . .

So I'm cruisin' about with an older friend a lil' more than a week ago, and it just so happened that I ran out of petrol. Well, I sort of thanked my lucky stars that I had this happen right in front of the local Uhaul rental, cause I had a gas can, and a siphon hose. . . . . . . . . . . .

BLEEEUGH!!! spit Spit SPit SPIt SPIT!

a mouthful of gasoline is never an encouraging thing. . . . . . . .and because of some sort of restriction in my siphon hose, I gave up quickly, retreated to the pickup to count my pennies and dimes, tie my shoes, and prepare for a walk. . . . . . . . . . . .

As expected, the local boys in blue appeared on cue, seems the Uhaul rental has been taking a hit lately, and as I had obviously stolen a mouthful of gasoline, I was arrested. . . . . . . . . . . .

The book in officer, "Have you ever seen a Mental Health professional for any reason?"

Me, "Sure, I see them at the mall, the grocery store. . . . . ."

Book in officer, "I'm asking you to be serious!"

Me, " I've been diagnosed as bi-polar type nuclear, and severely depressed."

Book in officer, "Are you taking any meds?"

Me, "You mean besides budweiser, cigs, and the occasional trip to the moon? No."

I was told that God Bonded Me Out.

So they put me in the suicide tank, where there is no television, no books, no clothes(save the velcro toga), no mattress, no nothing. I didn't let them know about the toilet paper in the tank, I was afraid that they would take it away! Six days in the hole, folks, cry long and hard for me. Now, it wasn't all bad, at one point, just on the other side of the plexiglass were three nubile women of consenting age, and my nakedness found them very likable; I hadn't, you see, at that point figured out the inner workings, or the outer workings of the blue velcro toga, and decided to just go natural. . . . . . . . . .hell, they already decided that I was crazy.

Three trips to see the social workers, and the third was a charm; I think I won her over when I told her that I come from a family that thinks Jesus and the Apostles should have been in A.A. cause they drank wine at the last supper. So I made it to population, and it was the minimum security side! Never in my life have I been a minimum security inmate! Ladies and Gentlemen, I have been socially promoted to near normal status! I only had one cell mate, so I got a bottom bunk by default(if you've not been to jail, then you just don't know, do you?), and I found that the gentleman I was locked up with was the uncle of some old friends; what truly made me happy was that he knew all about the Rothschilds of Europe, their vast wealth, and their part in global conspiracies.

Then, just as I was getting comfortable, and enjoying jail again, I was bonded out, by God; yes folks, you heard that right, God bonded me out.

No money exchanged hands, I've never employed a bondsmen, and I didn't this time either-I was told that as a condition of my bond I was to state to any and all that God bonded me out. It's really not too much to ask.

NOW: It's September 2009, and I spent Labor day with my folks, Mom says, "Oh Todd, I saw Andrew at Church on Sunday-and he said that he needed to talk to you. He said the District Attorney's office was going to file a warrant for your arrest cause nobody knew how to find you." Mom continues, "Andrew told them(Andrew is the public defender) that he could get in touch with you, and that they should hold off-but Todd, that was three weeks ago!"
Thanks Mom.

It would be dishonest, and against my principles for me to plead guilty to stealing gasoline that I didn't actually steal. So chances are-I'm going back to jail for a bit pretty soon!

Happy day now!

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